Harry Potter and the 5th Year from He
by PhoenixPadfoot89
Summary: a stupid and funny story about Harry. No plot intended. Caution: only read if you are really stressed out. Implied slash, sort of


Harry Potter and the 5th Year From Hell

Co-written by PhoenixPadfoot89 and Prongs/Uptight

This is one of those stories that one person starts, and then you give it to someone else, who write another few paragraph, who then passes it back to you… so it's what me and Uptight/Prongs came up with when we were board in our seventh grade English class, and we didn't want to listen to our teacher drone on about adverbs. What is an adverb, anyway? Oh well. 

This is meant to be stupid humor. There is no plot intended. Just so you're forewarned…

Chapter One:  Um… the first chapter…stuff…

One day, Harry Potter was sitting by the edge of the lake at Hogwarts. Suddenly, a giant tentacle rose into the air, and the giant squid pulled him in the cold water. Harry screamed, but in space, no one can hear you scream. 

So Harry was sucked into a vacuum cleaner bag by a giant elephant and dumped into the 5th stall to the left of the sink in the girl's bathroom, right through Moaning Myrtle.

 "You shouldn't be in here, Harry!" she shrieked. 

Harry ran hurrily from the bathroom and heard Myrtle crying. Then, Crabbe and Goyle dressed in girls robes beat Harry up in the great Hall in front of everyone. 

Then, Harry was playing quidditch when he saw Malfoy catch the snitch. The crowd (even the Gryffindors) started pelting Harry with rotting cabbages and pocket lint. Then, all of a sudden, Harry was sitting in the bathtub with a very frilly pink cocktail dress on. Ron came in the bathroom.

" Barking." He said, shacking his head. " Howling mad!" then he walked out again. Harry then jumped off of the North Tower, landing in a vat of sardine pudding. When he got out of the pudding, he was attacked by several hundred loincloth wearing chimpanzees, who chased him into the forest where he met a huge, stinky, smelly, ugly, pink, 

…Voldemort. The fat, smelly, pink Voldemort said, " Harry, I am your aunt. Let me pinch those chubby cheeks of yours!" 

" I hope she means my face!" Harry said as he ran back to the castle. When he got to the doors, a large, fat, greasy Snape was waiting for him.

" Potter, I don't care what Dumbledore says, you are expelled." Harry cursed and took out his wand. 

" Mako Snapeus wearo pinko boxerso witho heartso ono themo!" Harry said. As Snape ran away crying, Dumbledore came and said,

 " You need to brush up on your Latin, Mr. Potter." 

Harry crossed his eyes and fell backword through the secret passageway in the floor where he climbed a ladder made of peanut butter and uncooked sausage into the boy's dormitories. Ron was sitting on his bed. " Harry, everything happens to you, doesn't it?" 

" Yeah," Harry said, agreeing. He left hurrily, tripped over Crookshanks,  and fell very hard down the stairs, ripping his pants in half. He repaired them with a charm and then zipped down the stairs on his Firebolt. 

He suddenly had a most wonderful idea. Harry flew up behind Draco Malfoy, turned the razor on and shaved the top of his head. Then, a herd of dirty cannibals  bust into Hogwarts and decided that Harry would be their next meal. Harry flew so fast he escaped.

He landed and went to tell Dumbledore about this victory, when a boy who looked just like Harry came around the corner. 

" Hi, stupid!" said the boy. Harry jumped on him and they punched, kicked, smacked, and screamed  at each other. Dumbledore came around the corner. 

" No, don't fight!" he yelled. " Harry Potter, this is your twin cousin, Hairy Potter."

It turns out that Hairy Potter was really hairy. There was hair in his armpits, his nose, ears, feet, and butt. Harry knew because he saw Hairy moon Snape when he wasn't looking. 

" So, Hairy, what house are you in?"

" I'm in _the house, dude."_

" Er… whatever…." Harry was inturrepted by a bald, headless, cooked, live chicken screaming down the halls. Snape was chasing after it.

" You can't hide from me, baby! _Who's your daddy?" _

Harry sat down in a very comfortable chair. All of a sudden, he was catapulted into the Great Hall. He hit Hermione and her potions homework and knocked the potion that she was holding right into Shape's goblet. 

" Harry! That was a love potion I was going to use on Drac- Somebody!" 

" Um, eew!" Harry watched as Snape unknowingly lifted his goblet to his lips… closer and closer and closer…

"Professor Dumbledore! The dementors have sided with Voldemort!" A student burst into the Hall. In the confusion, Snape put down the goblet.

" Oh, ok." Dumbledore said, lazily and unconcerned. Snape was just about to drink when…

Another person burst into the Great Hall. " The Death Eaters have blown up Hogsmeade!"

" Sure, whatever." Dumbledore said. Snape raised his goblet…

" Sir, Voldemort wants to kill you!"

" I don't care." Snape put the glass to his lips and drank. Then, 

" Sir, _Voldemort's a girl!_" Dumbledore fell out of his chair. Snape spat out the potion.

" Where are you getting all of your information?" Dumbledore asked.

One of the students shrugged. "The internet."

"He what?" Snape decided he couldn't take much more of this and decided to resort to his old drinking problem. He swallowed the potion, and…

" Hermione! My love!" Snape ran to her.

" AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Harry and Hermione (and everyone else in the Great Hall). Hermione sprinted out of the room, closely pursued by Snape. 

" Her-mi-o-nee!" Snape sang running towards her. Then, a giant gorilla picked up Harry and chucked him into the forest where the chimpanzees again chased him into the castle. 

He ran from them, but Aragog caught him, and fed him to his children. They swallowed him whole and excreted him out.

Then, Harry , covered in excretement, ran out into the grounds. Hagrid had bought another dragon, a Hungarian Horntail, which recognized Harry and stampeded towards him, breathing fire all over Harry. Harry preformed the flame freezing charm and walked away unharmed.

By now, Harry was so tired that he magically flew up to Gryffindor Tower. Then he slept for three whole minutes before Malfoy, carrying an axe, walked in and unsuccessfully attempted to decapitate Harry. Harry karate kicked Malfoy out of the window. 

During dinner, Harry pulled a long, think, gray, and black hair out of his food. The hair was greasy. That meant only one thing: it was SNAPE'S! Harry threw up and ran to the kitchens and asked the house elves, " Why did you put Snape's hair in my food?"

" We didn't…" the head elf said mischievously. Harry gave him an odd and suspicious look.

" Er… right…" the elf was cackling like mad.

" Muhahahahaha! Muuuhhhaaahahaha! *cough cough*" 

" I'll just leave now…" Harry ran out the door and back into the Great Hall, and he froze.

All of the teachers and Slytherins were standing on their tables, dancing and singing:

" It's getting hot in hereee! So take of all your clothes!"

McGonagall was shaking her booty and singing, " I am getting so hott, I'm gonna take my clothes off!"

" Ahh! Make it stop!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione cried, and ran to their common room. When they got there, all was chaos. Fred and George had let off dungbombs, and Colin was selling pictures of Malfoy singing to that song to screaming teenage girls.

Just then, Gilroy Lockhart came up to Harry and whispered, "Fame is a fickle friend, Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does."

" Er… right." Harry said. Lockhart winked at him.

" What ever you say, don't say…" he disappeared before he was finished.

" What is it? I HAVE to know!" Harry screamed and jumped out the window. 

He fell onto a centaur and was carried to Hogsmeade where in Deruish and Banges, people wanted Harry to model for them. Harry was forced into a ridiculous purple frilly robe that was supposed to make a statement.

" Show me fun." The photographer said.

" You get used to it." Said a voice behind him. He turned to see Crabbe and Goyle in pink robes.

" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Harry screamed. Then he fainted. Everybody thought he was dead, so they buried him behind the Shrieking Shack. Harry uprooted himself when he came to, and a short fat man came up to him.

" Letter for a Mr. Potter." Harry took the letter and read.

            _Dearest Harry;_

_I love you. I've loved you since the first time I saw your messy, uncombed head. Please owl me back ._

_Love, _

Harry would have been able to read who his secret admirer was if a strong wind hadn't come and blown the letter out of his hands.

" Wait!!" Harry yelled.  " I need to know!" He walked back up to the castle and Malfoy came out and said, 

" So, Harry, did you get my letter?"

" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp* OOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*wheeze* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *choke* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"  Dumbledore came and put a silencing charm on Harry.

Harry coughed and signaled to Dumbledore that he wanted to talk again. Dumbledore laughed and wouldn't give him back his voice. Hermione, still being madly pursued by Snape, managed to find spare time to give him his voice back.

" Thanks," said Harry. Hermione, paying for her lapse in concentration, was scooped up by Snape who then planted a big wet kiss on her lips. Harry turned around, bent over and retched. He ran to tell the house elves to clean up the mess, but Malfoy ran after Harry, singing, " Oh, I've seen fire, and I've seen rain…" Harry rain as fast as he could but suddenly felt light headed and sleepy. His head hit the ground as he fainted.

Harry woke up on a green and silver bed. Malfoy was applying bright red lipstick. 

" Oh, you're awake. You passed out in the entrance Hall, now give me a kiss!" Harry pulled out his wand and yelled, 

" Avada Kedavra!"

**********************************

What will happen to Malfoy and Harry? Will Harry's life ever get better? Will he ever stop screaming? Will Uptight ever admit that she just wrote slash (the Draco/Harry thing)? 

You'll just have to… um…well… wait. 

I know that this story is really stupid and funny; it's supposed to be. If you have any recommendations on how to make it even stupider and funnier, please review and let us know! 

And Uptight, I know you're reading this;

I posted it! Yay! Now there is no reason for you to be mad at me! Well… actually there is… you haven't seen the toilet yet… forget I said that.

And, after bugging me about writing slash, I just realized while I was typing this that *you* wrote the slash! =D 

Tune in whenever I post again for another stupid adventure about Harry's fifth year from Hell!

~PhoenixPadfoot89 and Uptight/Prongs


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